Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ahhhh...

This is the life.
I just put the girls down for their nap and I need to get some thoughts out.

Here's an idea of our routine because I'm OCD and want this written down for my memory:
4am or so, Lauren gets a 6oz bottle and goes back down until around 7.
Chloe has been getting up at 6 lately (it was 5 until daylight savings!) so I go in her room, give her pacis back to her and give her a couple books to read for a while.
7:00ish: Chloe Breakfast
8:00: Lauren 1-2 oz. Prune Juice. Yes. Disgusting.
8:30-9:30: Lauren nap/ Chloe & mommy time.
9:30: Lauren 6oz Bottle.
10:00-11:30: Walk the BIG hill by our house, go to the park on the way home
11:30: Chloe Lunch
12:00: Chloe & Lauren Nap/Mommy shower, lunch
2:00: Lauren 6oz bottle
3:00: Chloe up. Either go to the park, run errands or just hang out at home.
5:00: Dinner for Mommy/Daddy & Chloe
6:20: PJ time for Chloe/Lauren
6:30: Chloe Bed, Lauren 8 oz bottle & Bed.

This week, my goal has been to push the girls in their gigantic double stroller to the top of the gigantic hill by our house. I think it's about 2 miles round trip. I could be wrong. All I know is that it's hard. REALLY hard. I huff and puff as if I were the big, bad wolf. Could it be because of the gigantic stroller, a 1.5 year old and a 5 month old PLUS her car seat that I have to push up the hill?
But I digress.
I can't help but really enjoy our walks. We're surrounded by nature, the sun shines down on us and it just feels SO right.

I have so much running through my mind lately, a lot of stresses and a lot of joy. I have been restless in my sleep but happy in my heart. How is that possible?

I guess it's time for me to get my thoughts out so here goes...

I'm on a quest to be the best person I can be. I want to be the best wife to my husband. I want to be the best mother to my girls. Lately, I've found it's just as important to be the best person I can be to myself.
I've been eating healthy for once. WEIRD, I tell ya. Except for the fact that I have ZERO willpower. SOMEONE brought a cake into our house after I had successfully eaten ALL of the other sweet treats here so there would be nothing left for me to eat. I have been picking at it all day. ARGH. I've adopted a don't buy, don't eat snack policy and it has been working. Until this dreaded, oh-so-delicious cake. Which is almost gone...

...Hence the daily excruciatingly exhausting hikes up the big hill. I can't think of a time that I've been happier, ironically.
I can't help but feel like this is what I've been called to do.
I stay home with my girls. I cook dinner. I am a housewife/stay at home mom.
There may not be a whole lot of respect behind that title, let alone glamor but I don't care.
I am the luckiest person on this planet.
But I'm also realizing that does come with a price.

As the girls get older, I've developed a sinking feeling that the joy of being home with my girls and getting me time with them during the day while they chill in the stroller...well, I've felt like I'm on borrowed time.
I know at some point I need to go back to work.
It feels like it's a selfish indulgence to stay home with them and rely on Chris to provide for us. He's done a great job but I need to get my head out of the clouds and really enjoy the time I have left.
But in my head, I'm so grateful for staying home with them that I almost trick myself into thinking this IS my career. That I am making money doing what I love.
And there's the catch.
I'm not.
I have champagne taste on a beer budget.
I love our neighborhood but all I can contribute to staying here is caring for our children and loving my life. (And eating cake while I blog. STUPID cake.)
Hardly enough to pay the rent.
Is this making any sense?
I didn't think so.

I don't know if I should be getting my MBA and going into healthcare administration... I don't know if I should just bite the bullet and go to nursing school...Maybe I'm meant to work in a retirement home... then again, I'm beginning to think the decision is too hard and I should just go work at Target.
WOW. This is the most random blog post ever.
I just wish time could stop and we could stay just like this forever.
I'm happy here. Like this. Our girls are amazing. AMAZING. I never EVER in my wildest dreams imagined life to be so fun with them.
I never imagined I'd have a husband who supported my desire to stay home. I never imagined I'd be married to a man who really just wanted my happiness above all else.

I feel like it's a catch-22. I want to own a house here so we have stability like I always had growing up. I knew where home was, it was safe and a wonderful neighborhood to grow up in. I want that so badly for my girls. BUT, to do so would require me working which means that I lose out on the precious time I have with them right now. Which feels so selfish because that is what Chris does on a daily basis. I wish there was something I could do from home to bring in an income.

Ok. I'm done letting my thoughts spin out of control here.
But have you ever had one of those days where the birds are singing and you just love life THAT much??
P.S. Chloe met another new friend at the park this morning.
P.P.S. Lauren smiles at me the entire time I push her in the stroller. I cant' resist smiling and talking and giggling with her which makes me even more winded on the hill. Maybe she's just making fun of how out of shape I am.

Wow. Random post.
Papa and Gigi are coming up tomorrow.
Chloe is so excited. The last few days she's been really into working on putting words together... She loves to ask, "Where papa go?" AKA "ba Papa Go?" and when I ask her where Papa went she says "I no no" AKA "I don't know".
So there ya have it.
Fudge.
In all her delightful glory.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can totally sympathize with you Jen. As a working mom it kills me that i can't be home with the kids but i know that i need to work. I wish there was a way to balance the two. But Chris is really great to let you have these precious years with the girls. Can't wait to see you guys soon.
Love, Jennell