Monday, May 4, 2009

Reflecting...

I've found myself increasingly weird lately. I guess I should chalk that up to pregnancy emotions. If you've read my blog from my pregnancy with Chloe, you know I babble a lot about my feelings especially when I'm pregnant. I've spent so much time lately thinking about what having a second baby will mean and how life will run and how I'm going to find time for both babies...

Today I relived the last few weeks of my pregnancy and first few weeks of Chloe's life by reading the blog. I'm so glad I kept a good chronicle of everything. Will baby # 2 be disappointed that they don't have their OWN blog dedicated to them? Will I remember to chronicle all the important aspects of their life?? (As a side note, we WILL be switching the blog to a FAMILY blog shortly... I'm not ready to let go of Chloe's blog quite yet)...

I have to admit that I've spent a lot of time contemplating the actual process of getting baby #2 out as well. I'm sure this won't be the last time I talk about it. I'm not afraid of it, but it's my last chance to challenge myself to handle it well. Reading my birth story from Chloe and thinking about the day just reminds me how amazing it was and how scary it was at the same time. I really need to find ways to cope with the pain...I can't even put into words how ridiculously painful. I don't want to be begging for an epidural this time. I know I can do it naturally, I just want to be prepared this time. I know what to expect, I can do it. I am hoping I can do it without 1. making Chris white as a ghost and 2. screaming like a crazy woman.
I may be looking into some serious hypnotherapy or something. Haha. Anyone want to be my coach? I think Chris wants to resign!

One of the other big things on my mind is breastfeeding. I have a hard time really telling people how I feel, and this is one of those things. Having to give Chloe formula has been a huge source of disappointment for me. I'm hoping someday I can look back and not feel so much resentment towards myself for something I'm not sure I really even had control over. Why was I one of the less than 5% statistically that can't produce milk?! I think baby # 2 is going to be a test to myself to see if I just didn't try hard enough with Chloe or something. I hate thinking that my body failed me. I'm not sure why exactly I couldnt' produce but I am going to give 200% this next time. For only so long. I promise I won't make myself crazy over it. I guess in the end, I'm really hoping I can give baby # 2 something I couldn't give Chloe...(sorry baby girl!) If not, there's always Costco. The best thing is, they'll deliver all 52 cans of formula you'll need right to your doorstep with just the click of a mouse! *sigh*

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