Sunday, September 7, 2008

5 Days overdue...Happy Birthday, Ashley!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Ashley!!!!!

Today is Ashley's First birthday. I can't believe how fast she's grown. The first picture is from when she was only a week old! I hope she's having a great birthday and getting lots of delicious cake!

Part 2: Debbie Downer.

I'm emotionally drained. I've had far too much time to think and have been on the verge of tears all day. It's not that I'm physically miserable, I can wait a while longer if that's what she needs, but the constant wondering and anticipation is absolutely exhausting. The first few days we went overdue were the hardest to accept, and I've really started to believe it'll be next Friday. I've started looking the other way when I pass by her room. It's disheartening to not have her here with us yet. I've even noticed Chris wander into her room a couple times... I feel like our lives are in some infinite holding pattern until she comes. I'm missing Ashley's First Birthday today, that makes me so sad! I feel like I've been a prisoner, not venturing too far for the last month or so, just in case. I've contemplated just getting in the car and driving for hours just to tempt fate!

The first couple days we had lots of phone calls, now most people have stopped calling and checking in daily, maybe they're getting used to the idea she's going to be a little longer as well. It's amazing how much of a disappointment it is for me to have to tell everyone when they call, "Nope...not yet..." It makes me feel like I'm failing and she should be here by now.

All these overdue days have given me plenty of time to think (not always a good thing). I've always wondered if having kids and giving birth would be an instinctual, natural thing for me. I've always wanted to know what it is like to "go" into labor on my own, not be given drugs to get it going (although I would take an induction to meet her at this point). But really, I've always wondered if my body would know what to do.

Up until last Tuesday, I'd been pleasantly surprised with the way my body reacted to being pregnant. Hardly no morning sickness, no stretch marks, good blood pressure, etc. After having such an easy pregnancy, I just assumed that my body had surprised me and that it would know exactly what to do all on its own. I've really started questioning that and I think that's the hardest thing about being overdue.
I just want her here and healthy. I want to count her toes and kiss her fat cheeks. I want to see if she has blonde hair like her daddy did or if she's got enough black hair to put into barettes like her mommy... I'm exhausted from worrying about whether she'll be alright...

Okay. I think that's enough of an emotional post for the day. I'm sure everything will turn out alright, it always does.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just remember that you can't go past this week so we are almost there. You survived over 40 weeks of this already! You've been really strong through the whole thing. Take lots of naps and she will be here before you know it =). Love you.